When I first started Tumblr during the summer of 2010, I was at this weird place in my relationship with God. I thought I had to hide all of my sins because people wouldn’t think of me in the same way, but I also was open about struggling… just not with specifics.
Somewhere along the way I learned that God didn’t love that fake person I became; He loved the real me. The broken me. The hurting me. The me that can’t ever seem to escape temptations.
(skip next paragraph if you’d like… it’s basically my entire blog summed up into one)
I was just looking through my archives and I saw all of the lessons I’ve learned, the lessons I should have learned sooner, the lessons I’m still learning and all of the struggles I’ve gone through. I saw the post where I first heard my step sister had cancer. I saw the post where I first found out my father abused my mother, where I fought with my family, where I had to file a sexual harassment report that tore my friends apart, where I lost one of my best friends to hardcore drugs, where a close pastor and youth leader left my life, where I came out in honesty and admitted to me being attracted to guys, where I almost got kidnapped and was on the phone with the cops at 3am. I saw the post after I fooled around the first time. I saw the series of posts during my mom’s mental breakdown where I almost had to move out of my house at 16 years old. I saw the post when my mom said she didn’t want to be around me, talk to me, touch me, hug me, or even go to church anymore. I saw the post where she screamed at me that my father had raped her in front of me when I was four years old. I saw the depression posts. I saw multiple sicknesses. I saw the final time I sexually messed around post. I saw when the depression was so bad I literally prayed to die every day. I saw the posts where I didn’t have enough strength to even make it up the stairs.
I saw Christ redeem me and bring me back.
Tumblr has helped me through my spiritual walk so much. When life got particularly bad, so many people reached out and messaged me that they were praying for me. I remember someone said that their entire church prayed for me that night! I had conversations that shaped who I am today. The messages I got at the especially hard times, when I didn’t answer I saved and I look back on.
God used Tumblr to help bring me to where I am right now and I thank Him so much for it! I’ve still got a ways to go, and I’ve gotta finally let Jesus take my battle against masturbation away for good without me interfering.
But I feel as though I’ve gotten what I needed from Tumblr. I feel like this season of my life is over, and Tumblr is starting to get in the way of me spending more time with God.
I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.
I’m gonna pray about it and make sure this is of God. To be honest, I don’t want to do this. The thought scares me because Tumblr is where I spend my time when I’ve got nothing else to do. I don’t know how I’ll fill up that time.
But I’m trusting in God. If He wants me off of Tumblr, I’ll go.
I have to. I will.
Some updates: I think God is calling me to be a pastor. Can you even imagine that? Me? A pastor? I’m probably gonna be the meanest, most sarcastic pastor there is. I already feel sorry for my church members!
Yesterday I made a promise to God that I’m not gonna cuss at all. Not any reason (except maybe if someone scares me and it slips out, or if I’m on a roller coaster). I already barely do, but I think God just wants me to be set apart.
I’ll probably still keep my blog here, I’ll just get a friend to change my password for me. I don’t wanna lose all of this documentation of my life.
This is not a definite: I’m leaving post. It’s an: I’m praying about leaving post.
Message me if you’d like to add me on Facebook. I also have really good conversations over email with a few people from Tumblr (well, one person)! My twitter is BrentIsEpic… tweet me your url so I can figure out who you are and it’s not extra awkward for me!
If I leave and this is my last post, know that I’ll miss you all so much. I love you all. For my Redeemed friends, I WILL see you up at the after party! Can’t wait!
Quote of my life:
This book (blog) is dedicated to everyone who reads it. Life is war, man, but every battle we face can be used as a tool to make us stronger.
- Brian “Head” Welch
Matthew 11:28-30 Is my life verse.
Even as I reread that to make sure it makes sense, I have a peace that this is what I’m going to do. I feel God’s presence so strongly about this.
When I told Jesus I’d follow Him, I meant it. Wherever you go Jesus. Whether I like it or not. You’ve held me this far. I know you won’t let me go. I know something greater is gonna happen.
I love you all. You matter.