When I first started Tumblr during the summer of 2010, I was at this weird place in my relationship with God. I thought I had to hide all of my sins because people wouldn’t think of me in the same way, but I also was open about struggling… just not with specifics.
Somewhere along the way I learned that God didn’t love that fake person I became; He loved the real me. The broken me. The hurting me. The me that can’t ever seem to escape temptations.
(skip next paragraph if you’d like… it’s basically my entire blog summed up into one)
I was just looking through my archives and I saw all of the lessons I’ve learned, the lessons I should have learned sooner, the lessons I’m still learning and all of the struggles I’ve gone through. I saw the post where I first heard my step sister had cancer. I saw the post where I first found out my father abused my mother, where I fought with my family, where I had to file a sexual harassment report that tore my friends apart, where I lost one of my best friends to hardcore drugs, where a close pastor and youth leader left my life, where I came out in honesty and admitted to me being attracted to guys, where I almost got kidnapped and was on the phone with the cops at 3am. I saw the post after I fooled around the first time. I saw the series of posts during my mom’s mental breakdown where I almost had to move out of my house at 16 years old. I saw the post when my mom said she didn’t want to be around me, talk to me, touch me, hug me, or even go to church anymore. I saw the post where she screamed at me that my father had raped her in front of me when I was four years old. I saw the depression posts. I saw multiple sicknesses. I saw the final time I sexually messed around post. I saw when the depression was so bad I literally prayed to die every day. I saw the posts where I didn’t have enough strength to even make it up the stairs.
I saw Christ redeem me and bring me back.
Tumblr has helped me through my spiritual walk so much. When life got particularly bad, so many people reached out and messaged me that they were praying for me. I remember someone said that their entire church prayed for me that night! I had conversations that shaped who I am today. The messages I got at the especially hard times, when I didn’t answer I saved and I look back on.
God used Tumblr to help bring me to where I am right now and I thank Him so much for it! I’ve still got a ways to go, and I’ve gotta finally let Jesus take my battle against masturbation away for good without me interfering.
But I feel as though I’ve gotten what I needed from Tumblr. I feel like this season of my life is over, and Tumblr is starting to get in the way of me spending more time with God.
I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.
I’m gonna pray about it and make sure this is of God. To be honest, I don’t want to do this. The thought scares me because Tumblr is where I spend my time when I’ve got nothing else to do. I don’t know how I’ll fill up that time.
But I’m trusting in God. If He wants me off of Tumblr, I’ll go.
I have to. I will.
Some updates: I think God is calling me to be a pastor. Can you even imagine that? Me? A pastor? I’m probably gonna be the meanest, most sarcastic pastor there is. I already feel sorry for my church members!
Yesterday I made a promise to God that I’m not gonna cuss at all. Not any reason (except maybe if someone scares me and it slips out, or if I’m on a roller coaster). I already barely do, but I think God just wants me to be set apart.
I’ll probably still keep my blog here, I’ll just get a friend to change my password for me. I don’t wanna lose all of this documentation of my life.
This is not a definite: I’m leaving post. It’s an: I’m praying about leaving post.
Message me if you’d like to add me on Facebook. I also have really good conversations over email with a few people from Tumblr (well, one person)! My twitter is BrentIsEpic… tweet me your url so I can figure out who you are and it’s not extra awkward for me!
If I leave and this is my last post, know that I’ll miss you all so much. I love you all. For my Redeemed friends, I WILL see you up at the after party! Can’t wait!
Quote of my life:
This book (blog) is dedicated to everyone who reads it. Life is war, man, but every battle we face can be used as a tool to make us stronger.
- Brian “Head” Welch
Matthew 11:28-30 Is my life verse.
Even as I reread that to make sure it makes sense, I have a peace that this is what I’m going to do. I feel God’s presence so strongly about this.
When I told Jesus I’d follow Him, I meant it. Wherever you go Jesus. Whether I like it or not. You’ve held me this far. I know you won’t let me go. I know something greater is gonna happen.
I love you all. You matter.
Do not cause your brothers and sisters to fall, even anonymously on Tumblr.
I long to look on the face of the One that I love
Long to stay in Your presence, it’s where I belong
You guys have no idea how much GOD has blessed me! Like forreal… I was a sponsor for two guys on a retreat called Chrysalis. I sent them off and had a ton of doubts that they would come back the same. It’s so hard watching someone who has GOD’s spirit in them turn away.
I kinda claimed two scriptures for this weekend, the first one being Isaiah 30. In it, GOD talks about how our sin becomes this high wall, that just falls apart. I sat and watched my friends lives mirror that as their sin created huge messes in their lives. BUT it talks about how “when you cry for help” He will rescue us! Amen?
The second scripture I claimed was Romans 13:11-14. “The hour has come for you to WAKE UP from your slumber!” I consistently prayed for these boys like crazy that it would be their time to come back to Jesus.
The closing ceremony was today and the Holy Spirit was pouring out of these boys like crazy! It was amazing to just sit there and be a part of it!
Afterwards we went back to my church to eat KFC and a few of us were just running around the church acting foolish as usual when I started messing around on the piano. I start playing “How He Loves” and the Spirit ERUPTED in that room! We had about 15 people in the dark, 100something-year-old sanctuary singing spontaneous worship. It just kept going and going. Scripture was read. Tears were shed. My voice hurts so badly from my praising! Prophetic words were spoken. HALLELUJEEER! We praised straight through for an hour and a half! Like spontaneous worship should be in the Olympics because people were forreal exercising like crazy because of how excited they were!
And in the still, quiet part of the worship with no words, God spoke to us like Elijah on the mountaintop.
Praise be to the God who brought these guys back… praise be to the God who brought girls back too!
I’ve had a lot of happy, God moments over the past few days.
Man, life is so much easier when I give it to Him. Whoddathunk?
Well, it’s actually a student teacher. I missed class on Wednesday because I was on a field trip, so on Thursday I asked if I could copy the notes from someone. She said to “sit tight” and see her after class. So there was about five of us that were in the exact same position, and our textbook didn’t cover what we learned that day, so when we went to see her, she promised she would put it on Google Docs and send it to us. Nobody got it, and when we confronted her about it on Friday (the day of the test), she showed us that she had put it on sites.google.com.
So I yelled at her about how it wasn’t the same website and she couldn’t do that to us, and she didn’t know how to react and just said she made a mistake, so I told her I understand that, but it still didn’t change the fact that we didn’t know what was on the test. She briefly went over it for us, but she didn’t answer all of the questions we needed to know.
ENFPs have what some call a “silly switch.” They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the “switch” is flipped.
One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.
ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I’ll just tell him.
ENFPs do get distracted, especially if another interesting issue comes along. They also tend towards procrastination, and dislike performing small, uninteresting tasks.
Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.
Why do all of these articles on ENFP (a personality type) describe me perfectly?
It happened again guys. I yelled at another teacher today.