thecoffeetales ha dicho Wow, that’s a struggle. I’m really glad you got to go and experience that though. I don’t know how to say it. It’s incredible but it’s so sad. I’m just glad that God was able to move through all that pain. It’s really great to hear about your trip!
It was the hardest day of my trip, besides leaving. But it was also the biggest learning experience I had from it. More stories to come (eventually!)
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
When I first walked by Ever in the Cerebral Palsy orphanage, he pretended to be asleep. I obviously responded immediately by pretending to fall asleep on his face, and lemme tell you… He has a laugh that I’m never going to forget! The way he lights up every time I walk over to him, the way he starts to bite his hands so that I’ll stop and pay attention to him, the way he lifts up his arms every time I tell him “Brazos!” so that he can experience what it’s like to stand… he’s perfect! Within the first week of laying on his mat with him (sometimes having shorts soaked in his pee), I said “Ever… you are teaching me how to love!”
And in the midst of doing this amazing ministry at the orphanage, Chelsey and I began another ministry in the town near us called the San Pedro Evening Ministry! We’re loving the people there and building relationships with the people, particularly with my best Guatemalan friend Gerson!
But today ministry in Guatemala looked completely different.
We started off the first 30 minutes of our morning at the orphanage with one of the precious little girls, Jessica, passing away. She had been suffering for so long, in more pain than most of the 76 kids there, and God answered our prayers for healing, maybe not in the way we thought He would, but she’s in a place now with no more hurt, no more pain, no more disease.
The nurses asked if I could help them for a minute, and I helped them put her body in the chapel. It was difficult, to say the least.
And afterwards, I went into Ever’s room and started playing with him. I spent the next half hour bouncing around the room from kid to kid - tossing a toy back to Brestly, holding Diego’s hand and telling him that screaming isn’t going to make his forthcoming bath any easier, stroking the little baby’s cheek next to Ever’s bed. And while I was crawling around on the floor waiting to pop up in front of Ever, I heard the little baby’s crib start banging.
I popped up and grabbed the little baby’s hand, and realized he was having a seizure. I screamed for the nurse to come over, but apparently this happens often enough that it’s not a concern. So alls I knew to do was hold this baby’s hand, keep him from kicking the metal crib, and pray.
I’ve never felt such a helpless 45ish seconds. I’ve never felt like things were so out of my control. I never felt like the literal only thing I could do was turn to God.
I’ve cried a few times today, and I’ve had more than a few conversations with God. And He said in one short sentence to me, “You’re hurting because you care.”
If I had just heard the story about all this happening, I never would have given it a second thought. But I’ve spent so much time loving these kids, pouring my heart (and their food) into them, getting to know them. It hurts when I see them go through this pain when I can’t really help.
God doesn’t promise me answers for why people are hurting the way they are, but He does instruct me to love them anyway.
"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another… This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers… Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3
I’m instructed to love. Sometimes that love leads me to crazy, upside-down, LIFE THREATENING, carnival rides with Gerson…
And today that love was expressed through being the one who cares during a really hard time. It hurts. A lot. Part of me keeps telling myself that it isn’t worth the pain, but that’s a lie.
What’s love got to do with it? Everything.
High School - Before and After
I’ve gone about a year without Tumblr. I shouldn’t actually say I’ve been completely without Tumblr because I definitely have ghosted around my fair share, mostly checking up on people to make sure they’re okay and such.
For those of y’all who remember me and my life, I want you to know that everything has gotten so much better. Less than two years ago when I was 16, everything was so bad in my family that I almost moved out. There was constant fighting everywhere. But it’s changed now. Finally there’s Peace in my family. My stepdad even started going to church, and my stepsister and my stepdad’s exwife followed him! So we all sit together, which is a little weird, but so very good!
I apologized to my stepdad for how I’ve treated him my entire life. I apologized to my mom for making things worse when life was hard enough.
God can and is healing this home
And God is healing me! I haven’t struggled with depression for over a year, which has been awesome. Anxiety has been significantly decreased. I’ve tried building people up with the things I say. I got a job, and then I got really good at that job! I got a car, and I’m a pretty good drive (only two accidents and one ticket so far!) I graduated high school in National Honor Society and National Thespian Society. I got voted Most Outgoing and was on both the Homecoming and Prom king ballots (but I didn’t actually win…). I invested in people and they’re walking with God now for the first time by themselves! I’ve run a youth group at my school, The STAND, and helped run a Bible study on Tuesday nights. And I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that God wants me to be a pastor. I got accepted into (the only school I applied for) Messiah College and will be studying Communications with a minor in Biblical Studies in the fall!
And now my next step.
Tomorrow I leave everything behind except for two bags, and I’m flying to Atlanta where I’ll be in training camp for 4 days, and then I fly to Guatemala where I’ll be doing a mission and ministry trip for two months! God willing, I’ll get back home July 27th.
Please pray for me when you think of it. I’ll be keeping a blog at http://guatemala.adventures.org and I’ll try to post on here too.
Please know that I love and care about all of you. I missed all of you dearly. God had me leave Tumblr because it was such a big idol in my life.
Ephesians 6:19 Pray for me, that whenever I may speak, words will be given to me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel.
When I first started Tumblr during the summer of 2010, I was at this weird place in my relationship with God. I thought I had to hide all of my sins because people wouldn’t think of me in the same way, but I also was open about struggling… just not with specifics.
Somewhere along the way I learned that God didn’t love that fake person I became; He loved the real me. The broken me. The hurting me. The me that can’t ever seem to escape temptations.
(skip next paragraph if you’d like… it’s basically my entire blog summed up into one)
I was just looking through my archives and I saw all of the lessons I’ve learned, the lessons I should have learned sooner, the lessons I’m still learning and all of the struggles I’ve gone through. I saw the post where I first heard my step sister had cancer. I saw the post where I first found out my father abused my mother, where I fought with my family, where I had to file a sexual harassment report that tore my friends apart, where I lost one of my best friends to hardcore drugs, where a close pastor and youth leader left my life, where I came out in honesty and admitted to me being attracted to guys, where I almost got kidnapped and was on the phone with the cops at 3am. I saw the post after I fooled around the first time. I saw the series of posts during my mom’s mental breakdown where I almost had to move out of my house at 16 years old. I saw the post when my mom said she didn’t want to be around me, talk to me, touch me, hug me, or even go to church anymore. I saw the post where she screamed at me that my father had raped her in front of me when I was four years old. I saw the depression posts. I saw multiple sicknesses. I saw the final time I sexually messed around post. I saw when the depression was so bad I literally prayed to die every day. I saw the posts where I didn’t have enough strength to even make it up the stairs.
I saw Christ redeem me and bring me back.
Tumblr has helped me through my spiritual walk so much. When life got particularly bad, so many people reached out and messaged me that they were praying for me. I remember someone said that their entire church prayed for me that night! I had conversations that shaped who I am today. The messages I got at the especially hard times, when I didn’t answer I saved and I look back on.
God used Tumblr to help bring me to where I am right now and I thank Him so much for it! I’ve still got a ways to go, and I’ve gotta finally let Jesus take my battle against masturbation away for good without me interfering.
But I feel as though I’ve gotten what I needed from Tumblr. I feel like this season of my life is over, and Tumblr is starting to get in the way of me spending more time with God.
I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.
I’m gonna pray about it and make sure this is of God. To be honest, I don’t want to do this. The thought scares me because Tumblr is where I spend my time when I’ve got nothing else to do. I don’t know how I’ll fill up that time.
But I’m trusting in God. If He wants me off of Tumblr, I’ll go.
I have to. I will.
Some updates: I think God is calling me to be a pastor. Can you even imagine that? Me? A pastor? I’m probably gonna be the meanest, most sarcastic pastor there is. I already feel sorry for my church members!
Yesterday I made a promise to God that I’m not gonna cuss at all. Not any reason (except maybe if someone scares me and it slips out, or if I’m on a roller coaster). I already barely do, but I think God just wants me to be set apart.
I’ll probably still keep my blog here, I’ll just get a friend to change my password for me. I don’t wanna lose all of this documentation of my life.
This is not a definite: I’m leaving post. It’s an: I’m praying about leaving post.
Message me if you’d like to add me on Facebook. I also have really good conversations over email with a few people from Tumblr (well, one person)! My twitter is BrentIsEpic… tweet me your url so I can figure out who you are and it’s not extra awkward for me!
If I leave and this is my last post, know that I’ll miss you all so much. I love you all. For my Redeemed friends, I WILL see you up at the after party! Can’t wait!
Quote of my life:
This book (blog) is dedicated to everyone who reads it. Life is war, man, but every battle we face can be used as a tool to make us stronger.
- Brian “Head” Welch
Matthew 11:28-30 Is my life verse.
Even as I reread that to make sure it makes sense, I have a peace that this is what I’m going to do. I feel God’s presence so strongly about this.
When I told Jesus I’d follow Him, I meant it. Wherever you go Jesus. Whether I like it or not. You’ve held me this far. I know you won’t let me go. I know something greater is gonna happen.
I love you all. You matter.
Do not cause your brothers and sisters to fall, even anonymously on Tumblr.
I long to look on the face of the One that I love
Long to stay in Your presence, it’s where I belong
You guys have no idea how much GOD has blessed me! Like forreal… I was a sponsor for two guys on a retreat called Chrysalis. I sent them off and had a ton of doubts that they would come back the same. It’s so hard watching someone who has GOD’s spirit in them turn away.
I kinda claimed two scriptures for this weekend, the first one being Isaiah 30. In it, GOD talks about how our sin becomes this high wall, that just falls apart. I sat and watched my friends lives mirror that as their sin created huge messes in their lives. BUT it talks about how “when you cry for help” He will rescue us! Amen?
The second scripture I claimed was Romans 13:11-14. “The hour has come for you to WAKE UP from your slumber!” I consistently prayed for these boys like crazy that it would be their time to come back to Jesus.
The closing ceremony was today and the Holy Spirit was pouring out of these boys like crazy! It was amazing to just sit there and be a part of it!
Afterwards we went back to my church to eat KFC and a few of us were just running around the church acting foolish as usual when I started messing around on the piano. I start playing “How He Loves” and the Spirit ERUPTED in that room! We had about 15 people in the dark, 100something-year-old sanctuary singing spontaneous worship. It just kept going and going. Scripture was read. Tears were shed. My voice hurts so badly from my praising! Prophetic words were spoken. HALLELUJEEER! We praised straight through for an hour and a half! Like spontaneous worship should be in the Olympics because people were forreal exercising like crazy because of how excited they were!
And in the still, quiet part of the worship with no words, God spoke to us like Elijah on the mountaintop.
Praise be to the God who brought these guys back… praise be to the God who brought girls back too!
I’ve had a lot of happy, God moments over the past few days.
Man, life is so much easier when I give it to Him. Whoddathunk?
Well, it’s actually a student teacher. I missed class on Wednesday because I was on a field trip, so on Thursday I asked if I could copy the notes from someone. She said to “sit tight” and see her after class. So there was about five of us that were in the exact same position, and our textbook didn’t cover what we learned that day, so when we went to see her, she promised she would put it on Google Docs and send it to us. Nobody got it, and when we confronted her about it on Friday (the day of the test), she showed us that she had put it on sites.google.com.
So I yelled at her about how it wasn’t the same website and she couldn’t do that to us, and she didn’t know how to react and just said she made a mistake, so I told her I understand that, but it still didn’t change the fact that we didn’t know what was on the test. She briefly went over it for us, but she didn’t answer all of the questions we needed to know.
ENFPs have what some call a “silly switch.” They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the “switch” is flipped.
One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.
ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I’ll just tell him.
ENFPs do get distracted, especially if another interesting issue comes along. They also tend towards procrastination, and dislike performing small, uninteresting tasks.
Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.
Why do all of these articles on ENFP (a personality type) describe me perfectly?